I could tell that the seasons were changing
and I was no longer who I once was
the day I went out and no one saw me.
Maybe it’s foolish to place such importance on a day. After all, another one will surely come and go.
What’s it matter, anyway? One day a year when people gather around with desserts no one needs and gifts no one wants. Maybe it’s more than that, though. Maybe every birthday is a celebration of the life of someone, a way for others to say, I’m glad you’re alive and in my life.
Don’t make such a big deal out of it. I don’t give a shit if friends forget my birthday. It’s just another day. Big fucking whoop. Stop being so overdramatic that no one remembered. It’s your fault for not telling all your friends in advance. If no one cares it’s because you haven’t done anything to make them. Why should they?
Sometimes I think maybe you’re right. It’s just another day and it’ll come again next year and besides, I’ve been too withdrawn recently.
Oh, shut up. You’re probably one of those people who thinks depression doesn’t exist and people just make it up to throw a pity party.
—-
It is my fault, though. The only messages I received were from men who once slept in my bed and there’s something dark brewing inside myself that I don’t want to see. I’ve invested too much time in relationships and now I’m all alone and I have no friends. Maybe I’ve never had friends. I’m the odd one out in every group that I’m a part of and those friends I’ve always considered to be close to, often seem to forget me.
Two days ago, two friends called me. It felt nice to be noticed even though I realized that neither of them would remember my birthday.
Maybe he’s right. It’s just another day. I’ll wake up and forget this ever happened and ghosts from the past will text me again, come next year.
You left the room
and I glanced around
seeing bits of you scattered about
All those pieces that I’ve yet to know
or perhaps never will
My eyes fell on papers
with your writing
your words
I soaked them up as if they belonged to me
and in that moment
I thought they might
but as I heard you coming back
I rolled over on the bed
and you told me it was time to go
my dreams disappeared
and I sunk back into reality
What are you afraid of?
Nothing, I decided
I closed my eyes and jumped
into the sea with you
and we swam around
down under
and it was beautiful
when I opened my eyes
and saw you
for the first time
for the last time
as you went up to gasp for air
and never came back down
I started drifting
and everything went black
Sometimes I wake and lay in bed, wondering what reason I have to get up and if it’s stronger than the pull to stay under the covers and close my eyes and pretend everything that’s happened, hasn’t. The world keeps spinning whether or not I want it to and everything goes on, with or without me.
What did I do wrong?
I was relieved when you took my silence as your cue to come over. Tears were streaming down my face but I cleaned up for you, attempting to stay strong when all I wanted was to fall and collapse into your arms, hoping you’d be able to carry my weight without sinking.
I bit my tongue so the tears wouldn’t flow, as your words poured down on me and I grew heavier and heavier, emptier and emptier.
Another boy, another string of lies and empty promises. A blur of memories resurfaced.
The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt you.
I’m falling in love with you.
And when you spoke those words, I thought you saw my heart, the piece of me that glows. I never realized your words were hollow, empty, meaningless. Stumbling in the light instead of the dark, I should have realized you were never sober.
Then you told me I was beautiful.
My tears flowed as I collapsed on the bed, too weak to do anything else.
You remind me of a time when I was safe and comfortable, a few friends I used to speak to but only when my words slurred, would I let my secrets out. It’s the only way I know how to care, how to love, if love could be so simple, so shallow… But now I speak with open eyes, a clear mind and the lack of substances in my body makes me unsure of anything, everything. My words are raw, my words are real but there’s a hesitancy that there never was before. When I go out, strangers don’t look my way, anymore. When I was disappearing, everyone noticed. Now that I’ve reappeared, I’m just another face in the crowd.
I am a ghostly whisper of a girl, someone that once was… or was never to begin with.
My body rose and fell and grew and shrank and you came and left. I still scream I love you in the middle of the night but it comes out as a gentle sigh.
Days come and go and the world keeps spinning, whether I choose to run through sprinkles in the middle of the night or I’ve collapsed in bed and haven’t seen the light of day in nearly a week.
I swear I’m here but I keep fading away and the only one that’s noticed has never seen my presence, can’t see me disappearing.
My voice turns to silence as my last words float out and around, wherever the wind blows.
The wind is blowing.
The ones you dream of are ghosts and when you see me, I’ll speak but only in the midst of the night.
It’s beautiful.
Every whisper, every breath. When I can’t fall asleep, I stay up listening to your sounds. There’s a comfort in the noise, something familiar, something safe… But you left long ago, taking with you all the dreams I had of staying, for the first time.
What I owe you (or what you think I do) I found hidden in the corners of a book that’s never been opened, awaiting the day I would slip so far down that my eyes could finally see what was tucked away, deep down.
I missed you, deeply, desperately.
Because sometimes I wonder how things would be. Could be.
I remember being happy with him. At least in the beginning. I’ve never been as happy with anyone else.
The only other soul who knows would never reveal my secret (so here I am, baring all.)
It’s a lie but it’s the only truth I may have ever written.
