Sometimes I wake and lay in bed, wondering what reason I have to get up and if it’s stronger than the pull to stay under the covers and close my eyes and pretend everything that’s happened, hasn’t. The world keeps spinning whether or not I want it to and everything goes on, with or without me.

What did I do wrong?

I was relieved when you took my silence as your cue to come over. Tears were streaming down my face but I cleaned up for you, attempting to stay strong when all I wanted was to fall and collapse into your arms, hoping you’d be able to carry my weight without sinking.

I bit my tongue so the tears wouldn’t flow, as your words poured down on me and I grew heavier and heavier, emptier and emptier.

Another boy, another string of lies and empty promises. A blur of memories resurfaced.

The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt you.
I’m falling in love with you.

And when you spoke those words, I thought you saw my heart, the piece of me that glows. I never realized your words were hollow, empty, meaningless. Stumbling in the light instead of the dark, I should have realized you were never sober.

Then you told me I was beautiful.

My tears flowed as I collapsed on the bed, too weak to do anything else.

you and I and you and I
I swear, we were everything
you couldn’t have sworn anything

so I sink, my feet fall deep into the earth with every step I take
running, running, running
skin and bones and skin and bones
until there’s nothing left
what I haven’t expelled already, I purge from my body

until there is nothing
and the phone rings
but it’s too late
and my hand can barely grasp it
and my mind can’t comprehend
the words you’re speaking

I’m fine, I’m fine
covered in vomit
lying in the grass
because I can’t run anymore
my phone on the ground
because I can’t lift it

and your friends, they may find me
and you, and her
with that ring on her finger, that you didn’t place
and I’ll wonder and wonder and wonder why
why everything happened the way it did
as glasses empty, voices raise
sex
and we’ll talk and talk and it will all come out
the longer you waited, the more your friends wanted to know why
why I didn’t just
fall into bed like every other girl
why you stayed and we slept, side by side
but I did
I fell

eyes open

I’ve fallen off the bed

Falling in love with strangers (pt. 3).

Last night:
Tonight? Yes.
Flying, not floating. It’s obvious from the way I spend just a moment deciding what to wear and I don’t change or fixate on anything for longer than a second or two. Ready? Yes, I’m ready. I’ve been preparing for days. I never thought I’d fly again and it’s been years but tonight - I don’t question it, I don’t think of it, I let it all unfold.

From the moment you asked and you asked and you asked, I knew. Something different, something special and for the first time in my life, my opinion matters. This is it, this is all, everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m no longer afraid to speak.

You’re easy to talk to. I smile and listen but you listen, too and everything seems so beautiful, even in the darkness, even when the stars don’t shine.

I’ve been waiting a long time to do that. I smile and smile and smile and for the first time, it was my choice, too. Mutual and no pressure and I could have easily slipped away but for the first time, it was what we both wanted, not what I wanted because you wanted and not what you wanted because I wanted.

Your voice is soft and your moves are slow and you’ve captured me and I’m enamored. I think I’ve found what I’ve been wanting and every day I choose to be a little less sick and a little more able to love.

Every word spoken is honest and open and I’ve never been part of something so beautiful before.

It’s awkward and strange and weird and perfectly me but I hide it from the rest of the world; I hide from everyone who could see the bits of my soul that I leak from time to time.

It’s been months since I’ve dreamt of you, months since I’ve written of you.
We last spoke in June, during which we finalized our vows to never speak again.

What if we see each other again? Are we supposed to pretend we don’t know each other? Are we supposed to pretend we’re strangers? Are we supposed to ignore each other?
I think that would be best, yes.

I had other concerns on my mind.
No, no, no, it’s all a lie.

A test in the morning but I could care less, I was careless.
I stumbled into the middle of the street, tears flowing endlessly.
The boys I was with knew better than to let me go home.
Why are you letting him do this to you?
I don’t know.

It was my only moment of honesty, of clarity.
I didn’t see it until I woke up the next morning.

It was time to let go; I let you go.
I thought you’d let me go, too.
I never expected our yearly rendezvous to come again.
I never expected my phone to ring with a text last night.

Memories came flooding back like never before.
The dam has broken, the dreams have returned.

I thought nothing could sway me, no breeze, no body, no heart.

Last night I fell, I flew.

Hi cute girl with the blue hair.
I smiled and danced for the rest of the evening.
I’m the only girl without a beer, the only one who isn’t drinking.
I’m dancing more than anyone else, more than everyone else on the floor.

Are you okay?
The world is spinning and I’m trying to remember the last time I slept, the last time I ate, as I gag on this poisonous water.

It’s water, right?

How many times the bartender refills me cup while he gives me that look.

I’m slipping, falling.
I don’t speak often but when I speak, every word is a song.

Here I am, in a stranger’s arms.
He’s told me stories about all the markings on his body but I’ve yet to say a word about mine.

I’m just a little cold, I swear that’s all.
I close my eyes, just for a second and I’m with you.
I swear I’m not falling in love.

He whispers that he’s sort of seeing someone (or sort of wishes he were), that another second with me and we could be falling, floating away.

I opened my eyes and I realized.
I realized that I’m with him, not you.
I realized that your arms have never held me the way that he held me.
I realized that I imagined every perfect moment I had with you.

I laugh.
What are you talking about? We aren’t doing anything.
He gives me that look.
Staring into each other’s eyes, seeing more than we could ever possibly speak.

This breeze has stolen my heat, this body has warmed me up, this heart is beating next to mine.

How clueless I was to how vulnerable I truly am.