Falling in love with strangers (pt. 3).
Flying, not floating. It’s obvious from the way I spend just a moment deciding what to wear and I don’t change or fixate on anything for longer than a second or two. Ready? Yes, I’m ready. I’ve been preparing for days. I never thought I’d fly again and it’s been years but tonight - I don’t question it, I don’t think of it, I let it all unfold.
From the moment you asked and you asked and you asked, I knew. Something different, something special and for the first time in my life, my opinion matters. This is it, this is all, everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m no longer afraid to speak.
You’re easy to talk to. I smile and listen but you listen, too and everything seems so beautiful, even in the darkness, even when the stars don’t shine.
I’ve been waiting a long time to do that. I smile and smile and smile and for the first time, it was my choice, too. Mutual and no pressure and I could have easily slipped away but for the first time, it was what we both wanted, not what I wanted because you wanted and not what you wanted because I wanted.
Your voice is soft and your moves are slow and you’ve captured me and I’m enamored. I think I’ve found what I’ve been wanting and every day I choose to be a little less sick and a little more able to love.
Every word spoken is honest and open and I’ve never been part of something so beautiful before.
It’s time to forgive.
I keep thinking I have, keep thinking I’ve let things go, let the past go, let you go, keep thinking that while you sleep, you sleep soundly and I wish you nothing but the deepest of sleep, the sweetest of dreams.
It’s a lie; it’s all a lie, a horrible lie and I would do anything to make it the truth, see the light, come to peace.
All I can whisper,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
As if I could take it all back, take everything back, as if you could take it all back, take everything back, as if we could take it all back, take everything back.
I want to, I want to so badly my body aches and I reject everything that tries to come in contact with me, for fear of the worst.
In some way, in some twisted way, in some sick way, I loved you.
In some way, in some twisted way, in some sick way, disaster ensued.
I tried to run, I tried to hide, I tried to pretend it never happened, it didn’t exist.
Foolishly looking through fun house mirrors, enjoying everything that twisted and turned and didn’t make sense to anyone but me, for only my eyes could see the lack of reality, the lack of everything.
If you tell yourself anything enough times, eventually you’ll begin to believe it.
I did, oh how I did.
I fell for every word I said, every lie that swept past my lips, every whisper in my mind that told me anything, that told me everything.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I’m still learning, I’m still processing, I’m still slowly clinging to the bits of you I still have while throwing away the pieces of you that I never did and I never did.