you and I and you and I
I swear, we were everything
you couldn’t have sworn anything

so I sink, my feet fall deep into the earth with every step I take
running, running, running
skin and bones and skin and bones
until there’s nothing left
what I haven’t expelled already, I purge from my body

until there is nothing
and the phone rings
but it’s too late
and my hand can barely grasp it
and my mind can’t comprehend
the words you’re speaking

I’m fine, I’m fine
covered in vomit
lying in the grass
because I can’t run anymore
my phone on the ground
because I can’t lift it

and your friends, they may find me
and you, and her
with that ring on her finger, that you didn’t place
and I’ll wonder and wonder and wonder why
why everything happened the way it did
as glasses empty, voices raise
sex
and we’ll talk and talk and it will all come out
the longer you waited, the more your friends wanted to know why
why I didn’t just
fall into bed like every other girl
why you stayed and we slept, side by side
but I did
I fell

eyes open

I’ve fallen off the bed

I just don’t understand. You really hurt me.

as if you know
as if you know anything about being hurt

let’s contrast and compare
lift up your shirt
the wound isn’t there

those nights you slithered in and I gave you everything you wanted
those nights you slithered in and I didn’t want to

those nights you screamed about everything
and I gave and I gave and I gave in

those nights I kept crying and you wouldn’t stop
wouldn’t ask what was wrong
and you stormed out
over and over again

it’s okay
it’s alright
it’s over and done with
but I won’t put myself back there

I’m not spending my days wondering what it would be like to be with you
because I already did, I already know
welcome to hell
and you still wonder why I won’t come back

Guided imagery, a meditation of sorts.

This afternoon, a guide. The least expected: that mysterious man that I’ve spent years wondering how I feel about helped me.

Help me. I begged and begged and begged. How can I let go?

A simple smile, a finger to your lips. I never spoke another word. Glancing down at your chest, I saw what you saw: a heart made of light, brighter than the sun. An explosion. Released into thousands and thousands of tiny pieces that flew into the air, as confetti. The world lit up, once again. I hadn’t even realized it was dark.

Turning towards me, you looked for my heart. Closing my eyes, I felt it. The light in me, ready to burst out, ready to let go, ready to move on. Heavy heart, no more. A million lights escaped my body and I was free, as you led me to be.

Thank you. I’m beginning to understand.

Forgiveness.
It’s time to forgive.
I keep thinking I have, keep thinking I’ve let things go, let the past go, let you go, keep thinking that while you sleep, you sleep soundly and I wish you nothing but the deepest of sleep, the sweetest of dreams.
It’s a lie; it’s all a lie, a horrible lie and I would do anything to make it the truth, see the light, come to peace.
All I can whisper,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
As if I could take it all back, take everything back, as if you could take it all back, take everything back, as if we could take it all back, take everything back.
I want to, I want to so badly my body aches and I reject everything that tries to come in contact with me, for fear of the worst.
In some way, in some twisted way, in some sick way, I loved you.
In some way, in some twisted way, in some sick way, disaster ensued.
I tried to run, I tried to hide, I tried to pretend it never happened, it didn’t exist.
Foolishly looking through fun house mirrors, enjoying everything that twisted and turned and didn’t make sense to anyone but me, for only my eyes could see the lack of reality, the lack of everything.
If you tell yourself anything enough times, eventually you’ll begin to believe it.
I did, oh how I did.
I fell for every word I said, every lie that swept past my lips, every whisper in my mind that told me anything, that told me everything.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I’m still learning, I’m still processing, I’m still slowly clinging to the bits of you I still have while throwing away the pieces of you that I never did and I never did.