I just don’t understand. You really hurt me.

as if you know
as if you know anything about being hurt

let’s contrast and compare
lift up your shirt
the wound isn’t there

those nights you slithered in and I gave you everything you wanted
those nights you slithered in and I didn’t want to

those nights you screamed about everything
and I gave and I gave and I gave in

those nights I kept crying and you wouldn’t stop
wouldn’t ask what was wrong
and you stormed out
over and over again

it’s okay
it’s alright
it’s over and done with
but I won’t put myself back there

I’m not spending my days wondering what it would be like to be with you
because I already did, I already know
welcome to hell
and you still wonder why I won’t come back

Forgiveness.
It’s time to forgive.
I keep thinking I have, keep thinking I’ve let things go, let the past go, let you go, keep thinking that while you sleep, you sleep soundly and I wish you nothing but the deepest of sleep, the sweetest of dreams.
It’s a lie; it’s all a lie, a horrible lie and I would do anything to make it the truth, see the light, come to peace.
All I can whisper,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
As if I could take it all back, take everything back, as if you could take it all back, take everything back, as if we could take it all back, take everything back.
I want to, I want to so badly my body aches and I reject everything that tries to come in contact with me, for fear of the worst.
In some way, in some twisted way, in some sick way, I loved you.
In some way, in some twisted way, in some sick way, disaster ensued.
I tried to run, I tried to hide, I tried to pretend it never happened, it didn’t exist.
Foolishly looking through fun house mirrors, enjoying everything that twisted and turned and didn’t make sense to anyone but me, for only my eyes could see the lack of reality, the lack of everything.
If you tell yourself anything enough times, eventually you’ll begin to believe it.
I did, oh how I did.
I fell for every word I said, every lie that swept past my lips, every whisper in my mind that told me anything, that told me everything.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I’m still learning, I’m still processing, I’m still slowly clinging to the bits of you I still have while throwing away the pieces of you that I never did and I never did.

Always that magic, my eyes would sparkle, my smile could never be as big as I was happy
Floating in heaven, feeling the clouds, your touch, your everything

This is the first day of my life on repeat every time I saw your face
Pages and pages dedicated to those sweet moments we spent together

Are you in love?
The questions were endless, even coming from strangers

No
I’d laugh

Maybe in love with life
I’d whisper

And I was, if only a little, for the first time in my life
No one’s ever seen me so happy, so high

My love flowed endlessly from my body, a never-ending stream-
Until you decided to end it

Let’s make love.

No.
You’re not here.
You never were.

Let’s make love.

Go.
You’ve gone long ago.
You’ve never gone.

My heart’s still sinking from last night.
My heart’s never been freer.

Let go of what was never there.

I shouldn’t be out so late. My mind wanders and I’m dreaming in hell.

“She’s the kind of girl you’d want to be raped by.”
There’s laughter.
I don’t close my eyes, I have to stay here.
Stay. Stay. Stay.

I don’t want to stay, though.
I want to fall into real dreams.

The one who wasn’t there as I threw my heart onto the floor, naked and bare; the one who doesn’t understand.
Others seem to have already forgotten.
Whore.

I’ll throw myself out the window again and maybe this time you’ll notice.
My heart will lie on the ground; you’ll see my body: all I am, all I have.

I will never accept it.
It will never be okay.

If no one else has taught you, I will.
As soon as my heart’s strong enough to land outside this body, you’ll see it.

Do you ever wonder if you’ll see someone you swore you’d never see again?

I hate the idea of never being able to see someone again. I always like to keep the idea in the back of my mind, that maybe, someday, we’ll meet again.

It’s been months since I’ve seen you. The last time we spoke, you raised your voice at me, for the first time. I was so upset, I didn’t even realize you were poisoned. The tears seemed endless. The boys I was with kept me up.

Why are you letting him do this to you?

In that moment, everything changed. I didn’t let my feelings slip the first time I spilled my secrets on his bed and he left. I stayed. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s not worth it. Don’t let him rain on your sunny day.

He came back. I smiled.

Are you okay?

Of course I am. I’ve always been. I’m in charge of myself, my emotions. I’m not letting him drag me down.

I might see you tonight.

What if we see each other again?
I highly doubt that will happen.
But it might. Should we ignore each other, be strangers?
I think it would be for the best, yes.

I might not.