irisiniowa.tumblr.com
I’ve moved: etherealdust.tumblr.com
I always squirm a little when someone mentions anything about how “perfect” my body is or how much “self-control” I have because of what I eat (or don’t eat).
I’m surrounded by talks of diet no matter where I am or who I’m with - even during a football game, the main topic of discussion was Weight Watchers Points.
I avoid describing myself as “healthy” and I never participate in body-hate speech. I’ve never counted calories or been on a diet. I’ve never been afraid of any (type of) food.
… and I somehow managed to stumble into the world of disordered eating.
It can happen to anyone.
I vaguely remember a time when I had a body, I had a mind.
Twenty pounds heavier but I was lighter and freer than I could ever imagine.
The world was mine.
I laughed and screamed and cried and loved and felt everything I could possibly feel and when I was exhausted from all those endless nights, I would collapse on my bed and spend hours upon hours reminiscing and writing down all the details of moments that I wasn’t sure I’d ever have again.
I am no longer that girl I once was.
I am a shell of a person, a body without anything inside.
I lost my mind, I lost myself.
In all honesty, though. The worst was over long before midnight. In fact, just a few short minutes before, I finally had the courage to tell some friends that I was with that I was born twenty-two years earlier and they all sang and I blew out a candle.
I promise this is the last of my writing in such messy forms with words so casually tossed together.
